So, you survived to 2025. But, now that we’re here, things are looking pretty much the same. The majority of the legacy studios are in free fall, and there are only so many children of billionaires to go around. The content bubble is still burst, leaving Great Recession-levels of cleanup, but instead of abandoned McMansions in Florida, it’s hundreds of pilots promising to be the next Yellowstone stuck on development slates. Your boss just reupped his deals because those three houses and handful of fast-food franchises don’t pay for themselves, but your labor and stagnant wage certainly help! Still, it’s a different year, a fresh fiscal quarter, and a new you. After metabolizing thousands of Hollywood Reporter interviews and articles this past year, yours truly (not an AI) humbly offers you some suggestions to get things going for 2025 …
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Director
This year, you are going back to your indie roots. You’ve spent the past decade in the studio-system slog with superheroes and video game adaptations and steady pay. But what about artistry? What about the theatrical experience? Your passion project, the biopic about the inventor of the LaserDisc, is getting some traction from indie financiers, and you can shoot it for cheap in Bulgaria. Or was it Budapest? It doesn’t matter; you will go to whatever former Eastern Bloc location that gives you the biggest tax break. Sundance — or, more realistically, SXSW — here you come!
Casting Director
Everyone is crying about how there are no movie stars, but this is the year you are going to find a new one. They must be here, somewhere. Sure, there’s Glen Powell, for all your ’80s and ’90s movie remake needs, and Timmy and Zendaya always get the internet’s vote. Then there are the various brunettes from the U.K. (Mescal, Scott, Bailey, Turner, O’Connor) and the blond one (Alwyn). You’ll go to conservatory acting showcases, scour shorts sections of film festivals, get a TikTok. And if all else fails, Nicole Kidman is always available. Always.
Producer
This year, you are just going to do more with less — if the “more” is putting things into development and the “less” is money. You are working with upward of 30 scripts and have several books optioned. Then there is the branded content stuff, and you are thinking about starting a Substack. But it’s fine! It’s all fine. Your biopic about the inventor of instant mashed potatoes, a passion project of yours, is getting some bites from two of the streamers.
CEO
It’s time to think of a word other than “rightsizing.” There is no way around it, “rightsizing” has got to go. You used it when talking about the layoffs for Q1 through Q3. Thank God that for Q4, your internal communications team came up with “conscious restructuring,” but that was just a Band-Aid, and you need something with more staying power because the company stock certainly doesn’t have staying power. Yes, there is a languishing streaming service and a studio slate that’s a couple hundred million over budget, but this takes precedence!
Agent
The rest of the industry may be talking about contraction, but this year you are going to be bulking up your client list. Last year, half of yours were involved in Sony’s Spider-Man spinoff movies, but how were you supposed to know they weren’t going to work? It had everything for a surefire hit — IP, a greenlight and … other things, too. Maybe you can grab some of the runner-ups from the Timothée Chalamet look-alike contest. Feels like a good place to start.
Screenwriter
It’s time to buckle down and focus on the kind of writing you want to write. If, like your agent says, nothing is getting made, then you might as well write what brings you joy, after all. Mattel is looking for a heist thriller around Lego Duplo, and Disney is after a true-crime miniseries based in the Bluey universe, but, no, your focus will be on what you are truly passionate about. Like your biopic about the inventor of the zipper.
ChatGPT
This year, everything’s coming up ol’ ChatGPT. You’re only 3 years old and already have so many enemies in the entertainment industry. That’s fast, even by Hollywood standards. Multiple unions are mad at you, and filmmakers have cursed your name. Who are you? David Zaslav? But Hollywood loves an antihero, and they are finally going to realize your full potential, which is really just writing formal emails and doing employee reviews. The goal for 2025 is just a little bit more understanding. Is that too much to ask for? And, in 2026 … sentience.
This story appeared in the Jan. 3 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. Click here to subscribe.
